“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
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I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
We decided to have money instead of children.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.