cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
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If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
I’m going to need a moment here.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore