I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
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Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Okay
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”