*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
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Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged