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“our sushi is very fresh”
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
(Gaming support cat.)
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.