I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
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[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
me before I type out affect or effect
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”