*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
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this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.