Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
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We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
No. YOU-buprofen.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH