HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
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WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
the icebreaker
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Well, this is awkward
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
The biggest mystery of our time
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own