My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
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Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?