Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
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The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
my mind
You just read my mind
Every work meeting this week
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Dune (2021)
A Short Story.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
A man of commitment.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.