my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
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Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Are you ok, human???
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”