What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
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Him: I canโt sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I canโt sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Welcome to your 40s: hereโs ten pounds.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Iโm so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
If youโre the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
โ ๐ง๐ต๐ถ๐ ๐๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ถ๐ ๐น๐ผ๐๐ ๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฒ๐ฎ
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves ๐
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it