People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
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WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Support your local cemetery
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
My blood type is coffee.
This bar smells like my childhood.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*