Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
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Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
That’s enough internet for the day
Wait for it
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
my dad has had enough
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.