British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 馃槶
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*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
*weighs self after shaving
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Planet of the Apps.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
[Pok茅mon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 馃槨
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I鈥檒l never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*