Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
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One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”