Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
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HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal