Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
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a badder mouse
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.