Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
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Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Pretty much. 🤣
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could