a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
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Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
New menu item
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
What kind of a cult is this?
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?