Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
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Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
I like crazy people until they notice me
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I need to update my racial profile.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.