Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
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Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*