Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
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They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin