Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
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Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I’m not wrong
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.