Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
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Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
how to have fun when you’re poor
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.