Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
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If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you