i don’t miss calls i stare at them
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As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?