To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
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Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
you will never know the true number of layers
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.