If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
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[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.