I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
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SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat