Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
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Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
This is enough internet for the day.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
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