The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
You Might Also Like
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out