All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
when you don’t want to be too vague
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached