All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
You Might Also Like
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets