[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
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hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
My dream job is getting paid to dream