I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
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the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao