Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
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It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?