When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
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We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.