Have a lovely day 😊
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We need more people like this.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY