Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
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People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
*limbos away from your hug*
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Fat chances are my favorite chances
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.