I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
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Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
My daily affirmation
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.