How to wake up a Beagle
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*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Never be a pizza!
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.