angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
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PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.