[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
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Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.