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I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
hmm conte-me mais
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Anyone want a chair?