I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
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Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here