[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
You Might Also Like
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Brb my Sims are getting married
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Come back with a warrant
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.