If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
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Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
what’s really going on
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”