Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
You Might Also Like
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.